Aw, shit. What am I doing now? Writing that’s what. Whenever I look over older entries from journals and blogs, I feel regretful and nostalgic.What could have been and might be. I feel like my thoughts could be a 19th century Russian novel for in itself in how deep it is. The problem: I think way too much and want/dream of more? Conundrum: what the hell am I doing about it?
I see my life in patterns and stages. I can recall writing down my availability on the back of a server pad for my first restaurant job application when I was eighteen after a year at college and then boom! I’m 26 (going on 27) trying to get a management career started with the corporate restaurant I have been with for almost four years.
I got my bachelor’s degree in English (which I still defend is very useful) in 2009 with a concentration in writing (mainly technical writing). Then, I wanted to be a literature professor. I already had been accepted to a graduate program across the state and I was excited at the opportunity. After a full academic year, in May 2010, I found it wasn’t for me. So I ventured back and moved by in with my parents. In August 2010, I got a job serving/food running in the restaurant I currently work at. October 2010 also saw me finding a second part-time job at a local library. I also found myself working normally seven days a week averaging around 50 to 60 hours a week. I also found myself in a relationship and attempting to go back to grad school a second time, paying out of my own pocket and determined to get a masters degree. By April 2013, I was burnt out and change was coming.
April 2013 was the start of me shift leading in addition to serving and bartending at the restaurant and the end of working a second job and being in a long-term relationship. The more I worked as a shift leader, the more I wanted to go into restaurant management. This past fall, some personal events made me rethink my situation. Since moving back home in May 2010, I haven’t had the money to move back out. More than anything now, I determined to get myself out on my own from starting a career, moving out, and getting my finances in order.
Breaking my ankle last month was a minor set back. I have to the end of the month until I am walking on my own again hopefully. Since then, I’ve amassed a bunch of medical bills which have set me back financially, I am debating transferring to a different store (and likely to go through with it), and I am researching different options for living on my own. Things feel uncertain and all I can do is get anxious and think. If I want change, I need to make it happen.