State of Decline

The past nine months, I feel  like I really haven’t caught a break. When I feel like I have something good coming, it’s taken away. For instance, I was supposed to be getting back a really good tax return this year which I was going to put towards my credit cards and savings and get a foot up on the finance game.  What happens instead? Two days before I get my tax return, I break my ankle, end up having surgery, and I’m out of work for two months without pay (not to mention the medical bills among other many things). Another example, I take my old car to the shop, flawless oil change and tire rotation and tonight, when I get home the door handle breaks on the inside on the driver’s side.  I can’t open the door from the inside to get out and I have to make a three and half hour drive tomorrow down to North Carolina for a friend’s wedding. I can’t catch a break.

It’s hard to keep positive. My stress has caused me to gain weight and an attitude of ‘I really don’t give a fuck’ half the time.  I want to get  in shape again (or at least lose some weight) but the attitude is the issue. I have trouble finding something to hold onto and work towards. In my mind, all I have to work towards is trying to get a salaried manager position and moving out of  my dad’s house. Both  involve money,  which I struggle with. I would like to go back to school, either grad school again or try for another degree, but that involves money. Everything involves money. I’ve been trying to find happiness  or some sort of zen for the past nine months without money.

Happiness is fleeting, something something something. I know  I haven’t written in awhile and I intend to change that. Writing has and always will be an outlet for me. Maybe I need to write more to sort through the shit in my life and be more grateful, etc, etc , etc. I don’t know anymore tonight but I need to write a lot more.  That’s at least one constant in my life.

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