October Midway

I really should sleep. It’s almost 4:17 am my time and I still haven’t gone to bed. I really should go to bed.

What is being an adult? What defines being an adult? Physical age? Maturity?  Responsibility? A combination? Something else? I have no clue.

At 29, I officially and finally live on my own due to circumstances I wish I could have avoided. I work two jobs, despite having a college degree, and feel like a loser most times. I can barely take care of myself. Life is easily overwhelming and occasionally sends me into anxiety attacks.

Like Monday. I made a vow to go out bodyboading at dawn. I didn’t sleep to insomnia so I went out later than planned and hit the beach around high tide. I felt myself having a bad anxiety attack, feeling uncertain with my own abilities to swim and flashing back to when I almost drowned in a rip tide last year. The latter event had almost ruined me. So I walked the beach instead. I am terrified to go out on my own even though I know how to swim and can now, after a lot of research, judge waves and rip currents to an amateur degree. Another thing that bothers me is my lack of physical fitness. If I did get caught in a rip current, I couldn’t swim for very long.

I think that scares me the most.

Also, my weight has impacted other aspects of my life. It’s hard to ollie when I practice with my skateboarding. The biggest thing is the pain in my ankles and feet. I work in restaurants, as a cook and bartender. I am constantly moving, but if I sit too long, like stopping over somewhere for a drink or driving a long distance, without moving my feet or ankles, everything gets stiff. I limp. It hurts. Shit. It might have to do with me getting older or my weight. But I seriously need to get my act together.

So Thursdays two goals: gym session, massive amounts of laundry, and NaNoWriMo prep. I don’t need only to get better for health reasons, I need to do it mentally. I would much rather watch the early morning sun waiting for the perfect wave than from the safety of a pier. I want to have fun. I want to live. But I need to be prepared.

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